The holidays often evoke images of joyful gatherings and warm family traditions—but the reality can be far more complicated. Family tensions, unresolved conflict, grief, financial strain, and the pressure to create a “perfect” holiday can leave many people feeling overwhelmed. For individuals living with mental health conditions such as depression, borderline personality disorder (BPD), or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), the emotional intensity of this season can worsen symptoms and increase distress.

Understanding your triggers, setting boundaries, and creating supportive plans can make holiday gatherings more manageable, meaningful, and emotionally safe.

Why Holiday Stress Hits Harder in Families

Holiday stress is often layered and cumulative. Common sources include:

  • Pressure to meet expectations from family or tradition
  • Unresolved conflict resurfacing during gatherings
  • Grief or sadness tied to lost loved ones
  • Difficult memories or trauma triggered by specific people or places
  • Emotional sensitivity, especially in individuals with BPD
  • Hypervigilance or anxiety related to PTSD
  • Heightened sadness or fatigue associated with depression
  • Financial strain tied to travel, hosting, or gift-giving

Recognizing these factors helps create realistic expectations and healthier coping strategies.

1. Identify Your Holiday Triggers Before They Arise

Triggers may be emotional, situational, environmental, or relational.
Examples include:

  • A family member who criticizes or invalidates your feelings
  •  Crowded or noisy environments
  • Conversations about politics, relationships, or personal choices
  •  Returning to a childhood home tied to painful memories
  •  Situations that activate trauma responses for individuals with PTSD
  •  Fear of rejection or abandonment for individuals with BPD

Make a list of people, conversations, or situations that create stress. Awareness is the first step to navigating them skillfully.

2. Set Boundaries That Support Your Emotional Well-Being

Boundaries are essential—especially during the holidays.
Examples include:

  •  Limiting the length of visits
  •  Staying in a hotel instead of a family home
  • Declining invitations that don’t feel supportive
  • Switching topics or walking away from escalating conversations
  • Communicating ahead of time about topics that are off limits

Individuals living with BPD often benefit from clear, predictable boundaries, and those with PTSD may feel safer when they control the environment and level of exposure to stress.

You decide what is acceptable for your emotional health.

3. Prepare Coping Strategies for Difficult Moments

Having grounding techniques ready can reduce overwhelm when stress rises.
Tools that often help include:

  • Deep breathing or paced breathing
  • Going outside for fresh air
  •  Taking a quiet break in another room
  • Meditation or mindfulness apps
  • Journaling
  • Sensory grounding (touching something textured, holding a warm drink)
  •  Calling a supportive friend or stepping away to regroup

For individuals experiencing symptoms of depression, creating small structured breaks can prevent emotional withdrawal or shutdown during long gatherings.

4. Manage Expectations—You Don’t Have to Create the “Perfect” Holiday

Unrealistic expectations can generate unnecessary pressure.
Consider reframing:

  •  Traditions can evolve and still be meaningful
  • You don’t need to attend every event
  • You can celebrate simply rather than elaborately
  • Emotional ups and downs are normal, not failures

Giving yourself permission to do less is often the most protective choice.

5. Communicate Your Needs Clearly and Early

Clear communication reduces misunderstandings and tension.
You can express:

  • What topics you prefer to avoid
  • When you need downtime
  • That you may leave early if needed
  • What kind of support would help you navigate the gathering

Individuals with PTSD may need to communicate safety needs (lighting, noise levels, seating placement), while those with BPD may benefit from predictable plans that reduce fear of abandonment or conflict.

6. Prioritize Self-Care Before, During, and After Events

Self-care stabilizes your emotional foundation.
Try incorporating:

  • Regular sleep and hydration
  • Gentle movement or walks
  • Balanced meals
  • Time for quiet, rest, and reflection
  • Therapy sessions before or after stressful gatherings
  • Planned decompression time after events

If you are experiencing symptoms of depression, structure and routine can be crucial to sustaining emotional balance during busy holiday weeks.

7. Know When to Step Away or Say No

Your mental health matters more than expectations or tradition.
You may choose to:

  • Shorten visits
  • Skip certain events
  • Leave when you feel overwhelmed
  • Create your own holiday rituals with supportive friends
  • Spend the holiday in a different environment

It is healthy—and sometimes necessary—to put emotional safety first.

Local Santa Barbara Resources for Mental Health Resources

 

    • Family Service Agency of Santa Barbara County

 

National Mental Health Support Resources

  • National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)
    • Helpline, online resources, and family support
    • 1-800-950-NAMI
    • https://nami.org
  • SAMHSA Treatment Services Locator

Frequently Asked Questions About Managing Family Stress During the Holidays

Holiday pressure, disrupted routines, financial strain, and high expectations can intensify emotional reactions. People living with depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or borderline personality disorder (BPD) may experience heightened sensitivity to stress, family conflict, or overwhelming environments.

Identify your personal triggers, plan coping strategies, and set boundaries in advance. This might include limiting the length of visits, avoiding certain conversations, or arranging your own transportation so you can leave early if needed.

Healthy boundaries may include declining invitations, staying in separate accommodations, leaving early, or limiting conversations to neutral topics. Individuals with PTSD or BPD often benefit from clear, predictable boundaries that reduce uncertainty and emotional intensity.

Grounding techniques, deep breathing, breaks outside, journaling, and staying connected to supportive people can help. Maintaining sleep, nutrition, and routines is especially important for those experiencing symptoms of depression.

Listen without judgment, validate their feelings, and offer a quiet space or break. Encourage them to step outside, take deep breaths, or engage in coping tools that work for them. Avoid minimizing their experience or pressuring them to “cheer up.”

If holiday stress becomes unmanageable, causes severe anxiety, disrupts daily functioning, or intensifies symptoms of depression, PTSD, or BPD, reaching out for professional help is recommended. If someone expresses suicidal thoughts or hopelessness, seek immediate crisis support by calling or texting 988.